As someone who has had a pretty good amount of privilege whether I admit it or not, I harbored quite a lot of resentment towards everyone and everything that didn’t go my way. When things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them, unbeknownst to me I would unleash hell on those around me. Or maybe I knew and didn’t care. With tunnel vision in full pursuit as I worked to accomplish all my goals for validation because I needed to feel worthy, the slightest upset to my plan was cause to feel resentment. To the point that it became deeply rooted in my spirit which eventually became an unwanted companion, I carried around for decades.
From the time I could understand that others could have what I wanted, there was a lingering taste of bitterness whenever I saw anyone doing what I wanted or was working towards. Not understanding or giving other people credit that they also had dreams they wanted to see come to life. Or goals they were working towards. This was more evident especially if that person tried to sabotage me. While I was single-mindedly focused on my own life, I was also willing to help people whether they asked or not. Fixing other people gave me a sense of control and power. Yet, the frustration that brought to my life is indescribable.
The first time I truly realized I resented others was my Sophomore year of high school. I was on the Student Council. We were working to create fundraising ideas. This idea came to me to have a marketplace where all clubs and organizations at the high school and my small town could host a booth. The Student Council would get proceeds from people coming in as well as a percentage of each of the booths. The idea was well-received. When it was time to present the idea for approval to the Principal the advisor gave credit to another student. The entire Student Council looked at me as I was sitting there seething but unable to speak up as I was the only Black student on the committee. That was just the beginning of harboring resentment that slowly ate away at my soul.
Throughout my adult career, similar incidents happened as I moved from job to job and in organizations I was either a board member of or leading. To do the work and not be recognized for it. Let alone applauded. While being applauded for the work wasn’t a motivating factor, it sure was something I sought to justify the immense work I put into each project, task or job.
The frustration that I was always so close to bringing what I imagined and worked toward to life but couldn’t pull it off left me reeling. It felt like all the work was for not. That no matter what I tried, nothing moved the pendulum in my favor to get unstuck in a place I was desperate to leave. A place that felt like I was suffocating from not being able to fully experience joy in my life as I watched others from afar doing. Or assumed they were experiencing it.
The slow simmer of the combination of bitterness and frustration eventually turned to anger.
An anger I could not control.
An anger that left a path of destruction behind.
An anger I’m still recovering from today.
I didn’t want to be around people, introvertness took over, but I wanted their validation. People didn’t want to be around me either. Not until they called when a problem needed fixing. That only added fuel to my resentment. And the energy that came off me was not someone you wanted to be around. The conflicting messaging I put out was purely chaotic. I was seen as a mean person. Even though deep down I felt I was not. My actions and behavior definitely said otherwise. I was a certified mean girl and didn’t recognize it. Accept it. Or own it.
I believed I was a good person but my actions and behavior not aligning with that steadily ate away at my mental health. It felt like a constant invisible battle was being fought but help was nowhere to be found. One day after teaching a class it caught up with me and I collapsed on the floor in my classroom. The inner turmoil finally boiled over until it caused a reaction that I couldn’t contain.
The fatigue from working hard, seeking validation, trying to control everything, in other words, fixing other people’s problems came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. During my recovery from that collapse, resentment came raging through me like a running of the bulls. It was in full force with no way to stop.
It took a while before my resentment began to subside. It’s been a journey going on for four years now. As time went by, less confusion clouded my thoughts. I knew I needed to make a decision. I needed to decide who I wanted to be. Who I wanted to present myself as to the world. What I want my life to look like. And all of those answers had to align in order for me to live honestly and experience joy.
One day last year, I woke up and the resentment was gone. Poof. Didn’t even feel it anymore. The inner work, life group counseling, praying, fasting, studying the Bible, letting go & releasing chipped away at the resentment I was harboring slowly over time. Until I was finally able to get unstuck. Able to make a decision. Able to move in a direction that didn’t include anyone else’s opinions. Now I have the freedom to tap into my joy to see where it leads me. Still have no clue where that is but at least I’m not dragging unnecessary baggage on the journey.
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