Continuing to talk about mental health for National Minority Mental Health Awareness Month but focusing on our relationship with money.
Be sober [well balanced and self-disciplined], be alert and cautious at all times. That enemy of yours, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion [fiercely hungry], seeking someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8 Amplified Bible (AMP)
Money, the love of money, the need for money, the lack of money. Money.
It’s like all, most people think about all day. While it is warranted to sustain living in the world that has been created by money, it’s our understanding of it as to why some of us see it as evil or everything we need/deserve. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I love money because I can help others, give to causes, take care of my needs. I hate money because I have seen people do unconscionable things to get it, use their own family in the process or slowly kill themselves to get it to live a lifestyle they can flaunt online.
While I am good at budgeting and handling money, to some my life may not reflect that. And that’s because I have a hard time seeing others in need especially my family. Thus, forking over money knowing that I should not but doing it anyway. I have taken a hard look at how I have ended up where I am currently, and these 5 money lessons have played a part in my life one way or another. Now all may not have been me personally experiencing the lesson, but they all have affected me directly or indirectly. Before we jump into the lessons let’s define what insecurity means.
Insecurity can be defined as lack of confidence or being deficient in assurance.
Here’s 5 money lessons from insecurity that has shaped my financial life:
1 Controlling- Now this is all me. I need to handle the money whether it’s my own, my family or any organization I run. I know when I handle the money, we won’t go into the red. However, this need to control the money leads to many arguments between me and other people. I get fed up and walk away without showing people what I was doing to make sure the money last. Because I don’t think they will understand or actually stick to the strictness of the budget. When there is a battle for the money no one wins. Also the need to control money shows that I am fearful of losing something that I can always get back, find a new way to get it or whatever. Money is there. It’s not limited. Controlling what I have tells me that I am afraid that I won’t get anymore so I must hold onto what I have. The lack I have in this lesson screams for me to understand that anything you try to control, you’ll end up losing it anyway. So you may as well find a better way to relate to it.
2 Giving too much– Yep me again. This is the opposite of controlling. Like polar opposite. Yet, here I am giving away money I don’t have or need because I see others in need. There’s nothing wrong with helping others but you should only help others when you’re in a place of abundance. Give from your overflow. You can give too much away and end up in the poorhouse like they used to say back in the day. Several years ago I started to put boundaries on who and how much I would give away to those in need. Then enforcing that. Once I reached the limit, I was done giving for the year. That has helped me overcome putting myself in compromising positions because I gave all my money away due to emotions.
3 Inadequate– This could be me but it’s actually people around me. Their feeling of inadequacy has led to numerous money disputes. Like if they ask for money and I gave it to them I would expect them to use the money for what they needed. Most do. But the ones who don’t have spent it so they could feel or look like people they saw around them or on social media. Or I would buy something because a person needed it, then they would go right out and buy the exact same thing. As if taking help when they need it made them less than. Now them doing that ticked me off. Why would we both spend money on the same thing???? That makes no sense and we can’t get the money back either. What would really annoy me is when someone would do that then get upset when a bill would come and they couldn’t pay it. Like hello there, I purposely took care of something else so you could take care of the upcoming bill. The lesson I learned here is to let these people fall on their butt and hopefully they would learn to budget, stick to it and make wiser decisions. And when help is given don’t replicate it.
4 Acceptance– We all struggle or have struggled with this but this one definitely has taught me a lot watching how other people will do whatever they can to be accepted. I have watched people I know and love literally almost go bankrupt, end up homeless or dejected trying to be accepted by their own family or social circle. The way they felt they could be accepted was to pay for whatever their family asked them for. Then watch those same family members blow that money on foolishness. One life lesson I have learned is family doesn’t mean you’ll like each other or get along. Guess what, you don’t have to stay connected to them either. Blood doesn’t mean you get to be financially abused and have to stick around for the sake of “family”. I talk about that in this episode of ‘A Toast to Truths’. Essentially, buying love from your family or to be liked by friends will make you end up feeling worst off than before. It will have you questioning your entire life. It will have you driving away the good people in your life while you’re trying to fit in with the wrong ones. And that drive unless contained could push away the very people who are trying to support your recovery of financial abuse by those you thought cared for you like you cared for them.
5 Not good enough– Similar to acceptance but a step further. When you don’t feel you’re good enough then you’re bound to do whatever it takes to either make yourself feel you are or appear that you are. If you see yourself doing everything possible to make as much money as possible so you can join the social media club of posting your “wins” online then you’re doing it wrong. Way wrong. The need to have or be what you see isn’t always the answer. Even to the point of misleading people, lying, doing unethical things to get money so you can fill some void within will end up destroying your reputation and possible the people around you. You may need to dig deep and uncover why you don’t feel that you as you are is enough. Uproot that so it won’t plague your life anymore. Feeling as if you’re not good enough because of what you see others have or do will eat away at you. Comparison is the thief of joy. You’ll never find what brings you joy as long as you don’t think or feel you’re good enough. Also not feeling or thinking you’re good enough comes from a place where you haven’t established your own sense of being. Start there.
The lesson here is money is a social construct. It comes when it comes and goes when it goes. The only thing we can do is be prepared and position to receive it.
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