This series I’m talking about “Spiritually Becoming” who God created me to be. When I thought of this title and what I would blog, I thought I would run through my life quickly to show what I’ve overcome, gone through, conquered. But then I thought about it. I don’t want to feel or make it seem like I’m harping on something negative. I want to use my life’s lessons and stories to uplift those who feel they are quietly dying inside with no one to turn to. To help you release your hurt, pain or sadness.
This post I want to talk about what I’m literally going to leave behind once and for all in 2020.
I can’t take it with me moving into 2021 as it will be like dragging chains once you’ve been freed. If I were to describe my life in one word it would be;
tension.
I always felt like either I created or there was some pull back and forth with everything I did. Every decision I made. Every move I made. Every person I helped. Every person I got upset with. Every person who helped me. It just felt like there was always an underlying tension no matter how much I wanted joy to exude itself through the situation.
The things I battled privately are nothing compared to what was made public over the years that you’ve seen me fight through. I’ve overcome depression. I mean a life-stopping battle of depression that took away 18 years of my life. I can’t even remember most of my life or memories from the era of my depression. I lost jobs, was fired, walked away from jobs I loved and dealt with so much tension (I’m just going to put that as nicely as possible) with different jobs over the decades. I moved way too many times and a lot of it had to do with helping family and that affected my finances or where I was staying because there wasn’t room with extra people. I bounced back from supposedly career-ending embarrassing moments. Painfully, I lost friendships. People I loved dearly. Not sure about some, others we just drifted apart, some lied to me and I just couldn’t get over it. I have dealt with bouts of homelessness that paralyzed growth in certain areas of my life.
That quick look back was painful yet cathartic.
Now these are just some of the challenging things I’ve worked though. But for so much of my life it’s all I defined of myself. At least internally. I felt devalued by a lot of what has happened to me in this life. I felt deflated by not being able to overcome them quickly. I got so wrapped up in what was happening that I sometimes prevented forward movement from happening.
But this year. Whew….this year. It was a year that I will treasure. Yep, in the midst of a global pandemic and recession, I will treasure this year. Last year I prayed to have a sabbatical year. And it didn’t happen. Then I quit my job on December 29, 2019 via text and never looked back.
I have not worked a “traditional” job all of 2020 and I didn’t put any effort into monetizing my blog in ways I have in the past. For the first time in my life, I just let things happen as they did. And with this, God gave me the most unconventional sabbatical year I could have ever imagined.
As I type this out, I feel a release of the tension that has plagued my life. I feel like a freeing of my soul to authentically just be. I know not everyone will have the same chance to not work for a year yet still have their bills paid. The chance to use this time not working a traditional job or business but to be able to do the necessary inner work to be who God created me to be is incredible.
Some people can get to themselves quickly. It took me years of trying multiple ways and a year of me not being distracted by a job, responsibilities or people to finally arrive at that moment.
I hope me being vulnerable, transparent and painfully honest about my own life will stimulate you to not just think about the changes you may have to make but to actually find ways to change. I’m going to think a quick look back at my past will turn me into a pillar of salt. So I can’t look back; only forward.
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