In 4 weeks I’m going to turn 40 years old. I have no idea why this age and this year has special meaning to me but it does. For some reason, I just feel that I’ll be able to walk into a new me, unapologetically. I feel so comfortable in who I am. I feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel comfortable with where I am in life. God has truly given me a richly blessed life. And to think I wanted to walk away from my life all together 20 years ago. I can’t believe I can say 20 years ago, and it means as an adult.
The past 39+ years has been such an interesting, incredible, insightful ride. Someone said it was arrogant to say you didn’t have regrets. Well, I don’t have any regrets other than taking out these student loans. I guess that’s a regret then. But that’s another story.
If it wasn’t for the hard, and I do mean extremely hard, lessons I’ve learnt throughout my life I don’t think I would be as calm as I am now. That’s saying alot because there’s so much more patience and wisdom I need to gain. In this moment I am a million miles away from where I used to be for that I’m eternally grateful.
As this milestone birthday approaches, I can’t describe how I feel. I didn’t think I would make it past my 21st birthday. Yet here God has me living a life I never would have dreamed of halfway across the country in a city I never thought of living in.
I’ve hurt people and people have hurt me. I have laughed, cried, hollered, wailed, jumped for joy, sunk into a deep depressive state. Yet God kept me through it all. I’m grateful for my sanity.
My journey to this birthday which I heard makes you officially grown was not without periods of deep darkness with slithers of light. Now I’m living in the light and blessed to say I kept going despite wanting to give up. I kept going despite the agony I felt daily. I kept going despite not knowing what life would look like or the life I wanted to have. I kept going because I began to believe that I deserved happiness, peace and joy. So, I intentionally walked in that direction. The inner turmoil to get here is not for the faint at heart. You have to be committed to believing that God would not create you just to watch you sit in misery. I could not accept that. So now I’m here.
Where is here?
Here is a place centered in joy as the foundation of all that I do, how I move and the perspective I choose to look at life.
For the first time in a very long time, I am extremely excited about a birthday. I don’t have any big wish, huge plans or deep desires. I just want to enjoy the day. If I could pray for anything I would pray that I spend the rest of my life living the life God created for me so I can fulfill the purpose God has for His kingdom. That I be bold enough to accept my calling and fulfill it to bring God glory.
I also want to be debt-free, Lord. Let’s work on that one too. We can do both.
Almost 40 and God couldn’t have written a better script for this journey. Where I am with my career, my home, my family, my friends is absolutely the greatest feeling. Lord, I thank you. I praise you. I glorify your name. For being who you are. Letting me grow into who you created me to be. Patiently waiting for me to wake up and answer the calling on my life. Lord, I Thank You! I can’t wait to wake up 4 weeks from now to give God the glory for another year, another birthday, another decade of life.
[…] up to my 40th birthday was a twinge of excitement, nervousness and navigating the unknown. As I got closer, I realized it […]