Not Having Children Is NOT Selfish

{WARNING:  Unpopular Opinion ahead which I hope sparks greater conversation about this topic.}

So I’m randomly wasting time on Instagram as I do daily (I’m usually seeing what’s trending, news, updates, random funny posts, etc I am a blogger after all and run a blog association. So it’s my job to stay connected.) Anyway, let me get back on track. I have so much to say about this issue. My Facebook update wasn’t enough.

Jennie Mai announced on The Real that she and her husband are divorcing. I don’t watch the show but I watched the clip on the show’s IG page. I didn’t think anything of it because it’s a well-known fact she has said she doesn’t want kids. And her husband knew this.

Then I read the comments. Lawd, why did I do that?

Today in #GirlChatLive, @thejeanniemai opens up about her divorce.

A post shared by The Real Talk Show (@therealdaytime) on

So here are my thoughts on Jennie Mai and her brave decision.

The common theme is she’s selfish not to give a good man like her husband kids because that’s what he wants.

Did you catch that?

What he wants.

So what about Jennie? Or the many other women like myself who have no urge to be a mother. Will I change my mind one day, who knows? But my entire adult life I’ve never had the urge to run out and get pregnant. Why?

Just like Jennie I don’t want the responsibility. Kids are a lot of work. I’ve worked with kids over 10 years. They are needy, germy and annoying. Yes, I said it. I love kids for a limited time. For a limited time. I do love kids but just not as a 24/7/365 type of responsibility.

If I were selfish I would have kids so I could get more brand campaigns. Mommy bloggers hit the jackpot with brands because kids sell more. And I’ve seen more nonbloggers launching social media accounts for their kids so they can get sponsored posts aka money. Do you consider that selfish? I do. I feel people are using their kids for likes, internet fame and money. Unless all that money is going in a college fund or an account for that child and not touched by anyone but that child on their 18th birthday, then you’re being selfish using your kids to advance your reputation or image especially on Instagram.

Just like many people have opinions on women who choose not to have kids. I have opinions on you pimping yours for likes. You’re teaching your child from an early age to cater to other people’s expectations of them and not developing their own.

Being a parent is more than giving birth to kids. It’s guiding another human in this life to be their best self with values, morals and ethics. That’s not easy, especially in today’s society.

I love my peace and quiet when I’m at home. Kids are loud, move around a lot and ask way too many questions. I love my nephews but they can wear me out in a short amount of time. Honestly, I don’t want to use my energy to answer questions when all I want to do is read or listen to silence.

Now I normally date men who have kids. Why?

There is NO rush for me to have them. Plus I can see if my motherly instincts kick in when spending time with their kids. NOPE. They don’t. I enjoy them for the time and ready for them to go back to their mother.

And the men who don’t have kids even after I tell them that’s not an interest and they bring it back up, the relationship is over. I’m not wasting my time or theirs.

So yea, I’m one of those women who don’t want kids. And I will have this conversation with my husband BEFORE we even get close to thinking of marriage. Why? He shouldn’t be surprised.

I do know I can be an awesome bonus mom who will take them on trips around the world and help to give them experiences that are once in a lifetime. But again, that won’t be a 24/7/365 responsibility. I am there as a supportive person in that child’s life.

I have thought of adopting a child but that’s still up in the air. I can’t even commit to getting a puppy just thinking of how much work that is. So why would I take having kids without much thought and consideration?

I don’t even like menstrual cramps. So the thought of giving birth is completely out of the question. I’ve already researched if I could get my tubes tied without having a child. It’s a little complicated but I am looking into all options.

Why is it obligated for a woman to have kids but not a man? How many men do you know who get daily pressure to have kids? Not many. But women face this once we hit a certain age.

Plus I’m a neat freak. And kids love to make a mess. That would drive me insane.

I used to (you hear me) used to get asked this question a lot. I set people straight about asking me this or when I will get married. Don’t come into my life giving orders when you not paying the bills.

With that kids are hella expensive. Not everyone is blessed enough to have their finances in order before they have kids. And those who are, seem to spend more money than they thought. I don’t want to have to decide if my kids or me will get something. So I choose me.

Is that selfish?

You may think so but I don’t. I chose not to put kids into situations I created just because someone says I’m obligated to have them to appease the whims of a man.

And I love my sleep. I don’t want to sacrifice it for anyone. Ask my friends. If I have to choose between sleeping and going out after my bedtime, sleep wins. Babies don’t have a “normal” sleep routine. I refuse to walk around like a zombie due to lack of sleep. I know this about myself. So why would I put a child in a situation where I wouldn’t be happy to get up out of my good sleep to feed him/her?

Jennie Mai’s husband was well aware of her not wanting kids way before they married. He also wasn’t sure himself. He changed his mind. She didn’t.

Kids are blessings but we burden them birthing them into situations that are unhealthy.

Having or not having kids should be a woman’s choice. She shouldn’t feel compelled or obligated to have kids because her husband is a good man.

Kids are NOT a reward for being a good person.

What kind of sense does that make?

Jennie Mai is extremely brave to stand by her decision despite the fact that she knew she could lose her husband. She set boundaries and he had a change of heart. To let someone go you love wholeheartedly so they can be happy is the most unselfish thing you can do. Ultimately you can say she put her husband’s needs ahead of her own with this decision.

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