Drowning in Depression

Have you ever felt so much pressure it felt like weights were sitting on your chest as you try to breathe?

That’s how depression felt to me. Like I was sinking underwater and couldn’t swim back to the surface. Or the walls were closing in on me. I lived this way for years in silence. Then I began exhibiting anger towards everything and everyone around me. No one wanted to be around me. I hated everything about life. Especially my own existence. It got so bad I just began to feel as if I was constantly being attacked for breathing air.

Then one day I read this book, “Circle of Fire.” It has nothing to do with depression. Well some of the author’s journey does. Anyway, after reading this book, I felt convicted. I felt the weight of my sorrow, hurt and how I treated others. I wasn’t embarrassed by my actions. It finally hit me, I was drowning in depression and had been for almost 20 years.

By this time my behavior was so ingrained in me, I didn’t realize that’s NOT who I am at all. Shortly after accepting I was living in my hurt, my own living HELL, I went to see a therapist. We worked together for 8 months. During this time I began to see the consequences of my actions. I began to make amends with those who would let me and those I wanted to rebuild a relationship with. I also got back into journaling.

While the journey to overcome depression was challenging because I experienced minor setbacks on occasion, it was freeing. Now almost 1 year after getting back to the surface of my life, I’m in such a better mental space. Many times black women are downing in depression without realizing it because we’re so busy tending to everyone else. But from my own personal experience, I see that as self-destructing. I can’t be good to anyone if I can’t stop myself from drowning.

If you feel you’re drowning and no one around you understands, then call a hotline or a professional. You can’t help others if you can’t help yourself.

Put on a life jacket and SAVE YOURSELF.