This may be the most revealing yet hardest post I’ve had to write in a very long time. I realized as I was hosting the ‘Summer Journaling Series’ in my Facebook group that I was the toxic person in the relationship. That’s why I’m no longer friends with someone I was truly close with. And in another relationship I made a huge error in judgement and ruined yet another friendship.
In one relationship I wasn’t aware I was the toxic person in the relationship. So the loss of friendship took me by surprise. In the other relationship, I wasn’t a toxic person but I did a horrific thing. And so to the other person I may look like a toxic person.
In the ‘surprise I lost a friend’ situation I was dealing with so much garbage and clutter in my head that I had NO idea how I came off nor how I was treating that person. And to this day, I still have no idea what exactly happened. This person just cut me off completely with no explanation or warning. And yes, I replayed situations to see if I missed any signs. I did not.
In the situation where I completely was negligent, I own my mistake. I was filled with shame and guilt once I realized my error in judgement. And it took me longer to admit my mistake than it should have. The hurricane, being displaced out of town due to the hurricane, trying to get back home, returning to work, making sure HAAB was going to function and seeing if The Truth Confidant would make it filled my daily thoughts. So I was not thinking of what I did until it was too late. No excuse or reason can justify what I did. But what I did was not malicious or intentional. It was bad timing as far as admitting what I did wrong. Now you can say, why didn’t I say something in the situation? Honestly, I wasn’t thinking. I was so in the moment enjoying myself that nothing came to mind that should have.
Without getting into the details of either situation, I do want to point out some things we do to others that we don’t pay attention to. And how these things can make us come off as a toxic person in the relationship.
So what signs did I see myself doing?
- Not acknowledging that I was using other people emotionally when I couldn’t give love to myself.
- Waiting for someone else to save me from the situations I kept getting myself into.
- Not owning my decisions sooner.
- Not respecting boundaries even if they weren’t stated but knowing when I have pushed too far.
- Coming off as too needy.
- Emotionally draining the life out of others.
Okay, there’s probably more but this was a lot to publicly admit. Now, the above was to the friend who cut off all communication with me. Again, since I don’t know exactly why the friendship ended, I am basing my entire perspective on what I believe to have happened.
Now the other relationship was all me doing wrong. I own that. I apologized. Now I have to forgive myself so I can move forward. Whether the other person accepts my apology and we try to continue a friendship is not my choice. I must accept what the other person decides.
I did profusely apologize to the person I know I wronged. I did not ask for forgiveness. I don’t think I am owed that or deserve it. But I own what I did and apologized. We live in a society where if you are wronged just once you write off the person. I, too, was like that. But journaling has helped me to see that I was doing to others what I wouldn’t want done to me. On the flip side, I have always said I expect people to treat me how I treat them. That could backfire if you realize you judge people and treat them in a way you yourself wouldn’t think is right. Just something to think about from my own life’s lesson.
Not everyone is due a second chance but there are a few people who are worthy of your second chance. If they mess it up, then you are well within your right to leave and never speak to that person again. Like walk away and not feel obligated to explain why you must walk away.
No matter what, I know I’m a good person who obviously did something bad to both people. However, I will not hold this over my head. I apologized to one person and the other I can’t because communication was cut off. I have prayed about both. Left it in my journal. All I can do is be a better ME to each person still in my life and who comes into my life in the future.
But what I learned is sometimes the B.S. we’re dealing with is created by ourselves. No one else did it. And if that’s the case, why not grab the Detox the B.S. Journal and begin to remove the stressors in your life so you won’t ever be the toxic person in the relationship again.
And if you need a relationship detox, then check this course out by my online friend Natalie Louis. The 30 Day Relationship Detox and no I’m not an affiliate.
No matter which tool you use to detox, the main thing I wish for you is to make sure you’re not the toxic person in the relationship and you’re not in a toxic relationship with anyone (intimate, platonic, friends or family).